Becoming Yourself
I believe that sometimes, after trauma, we develop what I call a survival identity. When we begin shedding that identity, there is often the emergence of a new version of ourselves.
To me, a survival identity is the person we become out of necessity. It may look like hypervigilance because we could not predict a parent’s mood. It may look like becoming a people-pleaser to keep the peace, an overachiever to feel worthy, or someone who minimizes their own needs to avoid conflict. These parts of us were not random, they were protective. They helped us survive environments that felt unsafe or unpredictable.
But survival identity is not the same as true identity.
When we begin processing trauma, our relationships often change. As we heal, the roles we once played may no longer fit. Dynamics built around our survival identity can begin to feel uncomfortable or misaligned.
The most important relationship that shifts is the one we have with ourselves.
As that relationship deepens, our survival identity slowly transforms into our true identity. The way we view ourselves changes. The way we view our relationships changes. The way we view the world changes. We may no longer people-please because it is unhealthy, but we still show care and love, just in ways that do not compromise who we are. We begin to honor our needs alongside the needs of others.
Becoming ourselves also means letting go of who we once were.
If we are no longer living in survival mode, we suddenly have room to breathe, dream, and imagine. In that space, our true selves have the opportunity to emerge. But letting go of a survival identity can be scary. It may mean letting go of certain relationships. It may mean grieving the version of ourselves we have known for so long.
Outgrowing another version of ourselves, or outgrowing other people, is not easy.
There is grief that comes with that. There is discomfort. There is uncertainty. And if we allow ourselves to ride that wave long enough, we begin to meet the person we were always meant to be.
And that is freedom.
Looking for guidance on your journey?
Examine your relationship with yourself with a therapist.